Musings

Almost Back

Hi,

I know, posting has been very light this past week or so.  Sorry about that.   I’d intended to get back to some sort of regular writing schedule before now, but it didn’t happen.  This is the first time I’ve actually had time off (okay, I’m unemployed, but still) with my family that didn’t have to do with any of them being sick.  It’s been an actual vacation, of sorts.  And so I’ve…vacated.  Kind of.  We’ve been mainly living off of holiday leftovers until last night, and I’ve done as little around here as possible.  I’ve sat around reading.  I’ve napped.  I’ve played Free Cell on the computer til my eyes hurt.  I’ve done little art projects with the kids.  I haven’t baked a single cookie.  (okay, I used up the puff pastry dough left over from the pain au chocolate, but that doesn’t count in my mind, since the dough was already made.)

I almost baked bread yesterday, but I never got around to it.  I took a two hour nap instead. 

Part of this is because Julia hasn’t been well (okay, so that blows the no-kids-were-sick-in-the-taking-of-this-vacation) – she’d had a tick bite about a month ago and then two weeks later her ear got swollen and red.  They put her on an antibiotic, which seemed to do the trick, but then within the last week she’s been waking up crying (really crying, not just whining) and said her ear hurt.  I brought her back to the doctor this past Thursday, and now she’s on another antibiotic – one they use to combat lyme disease.  I still don’t think it was a deer tick, but better safe than sorry.  She’s been waking up in the middle of the night a few times, very weepy, very clingy, very much in need of lying on the couch in the middle of the night with mommy and watching cooking shows.  I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in a while now.  But finally, last night, the improvement seemed to begin.  Because though she woke up, she wasn’t AS miserable.  Just had to go potty, and have some juice, and watch a bit of a cooking show before going back to bed VOLUNTARILY.  And she woke up early this morning, but still – it was a lot better than it has been.  So looks like the new meds are working.  Her ear looks better, and the red splotchyness that had started between her ear and eye on the left side has diminished.  So – GOOD.  It’s a two-week prescription.  Hopefully that will knock it all out of her system.

So that’s one part.

And I think the other part of my lethargy has been the combo of holiday prepwork (fun) and the end of my employment at a job I’ve had for a long time. 

I felt kind of…I don’t know.  In limbo.  Falling.  Floating.  Lost.  Scared.  Relaxed.  Worried.  In a panic.  Depressed.  Excited. 

All kinds of stuff.  But initially it was mostly the draining feelings.  The OHMYGODNOWWHATAMIGOINGTODO?????? feelings.  The "I’m a loser" feelings.  Yeah.  They can drag on you and make it hard to want to take a shower each morning.

But I started feeling a little more positive about things yesterday.  The better feelings started to kick in.  The re-realization that this is a huge OPPORTUNITY for me, if I approach it that way, and that yes, despite my not infrequent feelings of uselessness, I DO have some creative abilities that I SHOULD be making better use of.  And that the main thing, really, is to (this is the hardest thing for me) believe in myself.  It’s corny and cliched (clicheed?)(a cliche), but it’s true.  My biggest obstacle is my own self doubt. 

It helps, for me, to develop a sort of rebellious, "oh YEAH?!" kind of mind set.  I don’t know why.  But somehow, it motivates me if I have something to prove.  So, I’ll use that for a while.  I can’t sustain it forever, but it’s a good way to kick start myself.

I’m still on vacation, in my mind.  I’ll finish that up once the school year starts and we have our daily routines again. 

And then?  Onward.

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